Kaleb makes war and Pauline makes Peace

Kids today are peppered with images of violence from every direction. Even the cartoons that kids watch are heavily based on the good guys slaughtering the bad guys. Computer games are even worse, where the players themselves are given the goal, even the duty, to venture out and kill the bad guys in a most violent manner. I never got the bug to play such games, and consequently never got very good at them. Jonathan, on the other hand, grew up playing such games and became such a master that once in a game called "Streetfighter", he challenged me to beat him with the handicap that he would be blindfolded. After some prodding, I accepted the challenge; he beat me hands down. Kaleb began playing such games at the age of five and owned at least three such games. He was in awe of his father’s ability on the Apple Gameboy game that was called "Halo". The good thing about that was that it drew them together and gave them something to look forward to.

Pauline and I were a bit concerned with this kind of exposure for Kaleb so we limited the availability of the game at our house to times when he and Jon were playing together. We chose more conventional games, like tinker toys, Legos, reading, and models for our activity with Kaleb, and we were pleasantly surprised to find that Kaleb was completely okay with this. He loved to construct buildings, forts, models, robots, and cities in the sand. Kaleb loves to use his imagination in such games, and he loves playing such games, especially with Pauline, perhaps even more than with me, since she has such a gift for using her imagination.

Nevertheless, even in these activities, we quickly wound up with our models and cities at war with each other. There were "good" guys and bad "guys", and the good guys always had to protect each other from the bad guys. The bad guys were always out to destroy anything by the good guys. Even the dynasours had good guys and bad guys and had to fight each other all the time. Before long everyone had weapons.

Pauline was not happy with this state of affairs so she elected to participate as a peaceful person, who would refuse to fight or allow weapons in her model buildings and cities. So began a long series of attempts by Kaleb to convince her to change this policy. She would construct a house populated by a few people and animals and he would build a fort populated with warriors, guns, and bombs. He then wanted to send some of his men over to protect her from the bad guys (which, by default was me). She okayed Kaleb’s men to visit only under a condition they would enter her city disarmed, leaving all weapons outside. This policy led a never ending sales pitch by Kaleb to convince her that she should allow his men to enter carrying their guns, that she needed protection from the bad guys.

On a typical day, Kaleb would drag out all of the construction materials and ask Pauline to be on his side. Before long he would be setting up the bad guys and start making attempts to arm her. She would object, saying that she would play the role of the ones who didn’t use guns, such as doctors, store operators, and teachers. When Kaleb began to create the bad guys, she would ask, "why are these guys bad?"

"They are bad because they want to kill us," was his response.

"But, why would they want to kill us?" was her immediate response. "If we are nice to them and if we talk to them, maybe we can make friends with them."

"No!", was his quick response, "you cannot make friends with the bad guys. You have to fight them."

"But I don’t want to fight them," she insisted. "I want to be friends with them. Anyway, how do you know there are always bad guys? How do you know you can’t be friends

unless you discuss it with them?" She queried.

He then tried with all his energy to explain. "Consider the mutant ninja turtles. Shredder is their enemy. He will always be their enemy. They can’t be friends with him. They have to fight him. Aliens always want to fight you, so you have to fight back."

"But those are pretend people. We can just as easily pretend to be friends.

At this point he would become frustrated. "NO! You cannot pretend to be friends. I know this."

"How do you know this?" she asked.

You see it all the time on TV, good guys fighting bad guys, and that is real", he answered."You don’t know anything." He added. "That is so amazing that I know more about good guys and bad guys than you do."

This really upset Kaleb, and he got very angry with me. I asked him if he was really angry with me, to which he replied, "Yes, because you are cheating. You are supposed to be dead, and your shield is against the rules, and you have to die when I shoot you."

At that point I complained, "But you never die when I shoot you."

"Duh," he responded in all seriousness, "That is because YOU always miss."

Kaleb, alias Raphael

2005

 At five Kaleb was heavily involved in Mutant Ninja turtles, and his interest in Thomas the Tank Engine was waning. He loved to wrassle and play the role of Raphael, saving Pauline (who played the role of the lady reporter in MNT) from the dreaded Shredder, played by Grand Daddy. I had some problems with this because he could get rough and I would occasionally hurt him either in defending myself or just playing with him.

The game had its own set of complicated rules and procedures, including scenarios that I was supposed to pretend, like thinking that I had killed Raphael and failing to notice that he had risen  and sneaked up behind me. For both Kaleb's and my own protection I had to keep a close watch out of the corner of my eye, since he would leap into the air without abandon and land on top of me. Often he would catch me looking and chide me for "cheating". 

One day while visiting a local video shop that was going out of business, I bought 4 MNT videos to help entertain him on his next visit. After watching one he immediately wanted to watch another and then another; these were cartoons and the videos were only about 15 minutes in length. Bedtime was near and I decided to hold back the last one to help coax him into bed, since getting him to go to bed was a real chore. He agreed.

We got his teeth all brushed, his pajamas on, and the video going, and after watching with him for a few minutes, I decided to sneak out hoping he would drift off.

After about an hour, I could still hear the action in the other room. When I went back into the room, I discovered him standing up in the middle of the bed, jumping and doing karate in harmony with the actors on the screen. He was anything but sleepy.

hen discovered to my dismay that the fourth MNT video was the full length movie, two hours long, and their was no persuading him to shut it off at this point. So I sat down with him and watched the rest of the movie.

Kaleb and the Pink Room

2005

 Kaleb had spent one night with us. Getting through that night was a challenge. He had been so brave when talking us into letting him stay with us overnight, but this night, as I helped  him brush his teeth,  he was shivering with fear. He wanted to sleep in our room. Pauline had prepared a fold out bed for him that is in her office. With a combination of absolutely beautiful bed time music that Briana had supplied, his banky, and a few ups and downs we made it.

On the second night, Pauline decided that our second bedroom may be better suited to him so she prepared a full queen sized bed for him. As soon as he saw the room he immediately refused to sleep in the room; it had pink curtains. He concluded that it was a girls room and he was not about to sleep in it. So ever since he slept on the fold out bed in Pauline's office.

The Constraint on a Fantasy

January 2005

Kaleb is four and I continue to find him limitless in his ability to enjoy life. For Christmas he got toys ranging from the traditional stuffed animal to the modern electronic gadgets like walkie-talkies and teaching devices like the "Leapster". Still the greatest possessions of a boy of four are limited only by his imagination. We played hide and seek with the use of the walkie-talkies. Although Grammyfan Ruth's one bedroom condo provided a serious limit to the number of places to hide, that did not limit the fun we had.

Although Kaleb had hidden in just about every place possible, he was having so much fun he was not about to let that be an excuse for ending the game. Hiding under the table, he had surrounded himself with left over Styrofoam box parts and had left the walkie-talkie in a different place as a decoy. After searching all over the room I leaned under the table and whispered, "I think that Kaleb is behind those boxes", at which point he informed me that these boxes were indestructible, and that I could not get to him.

Upon hearing this, I replied, "I have an indestructible wall destroying weapon right here in my hand and I am going to bust this wall down."

"No Grand Daddy, that is just a walkie talkie. You can't tear down my wall."

I responded, ""Kaleb, I am not Grand Daddy. I am Spiderman. And I am going to use my weapon to bust down this wall."

"Wait, Grand Daddy, I'm not finished. Spiderman has webs, not wall breaking weapons."

I continue to ponder how children ultimately learn the really hard rules. I honestly cannot remember when I finally learned that I could not always win. At his point, in Kaleb's world, games are designed so that he wins over and over. I learned this when I inadvertently passed his piece in a Thomas the Tank Engine race. He very quickly modified the rules so that I fell behind. He assured me with all confidence that he always wins. I haven't figured out how to break the news about winning to him. I hope he finally learns that from a kind person.

>We played "I am going to get you", a game where each time he just manages to escape my grasp. After about 800 "I am going to get you’s" followed by, "You didn't get me," I said to him, "This time I am REALLY going to get you." He stopped in his tracks and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Grand Daddy, that is not the way it works."

I am not sure what would have happened if I had really "got him". I am not sure I would know what to do with him next.

Kaleb Learns About Magic

January 2004

Near the end of 2004 Kaleb began paying visits to my home, and Pauline and I wondered how well we could keep him entertained on our turf. We decided to acquire a box in which to place a few toys to start with and add some as time passed on.

When Kaleb arrived I told him about his magic box that had a few things in it for him. He seemed already to know the concept of magic and he excitedly opened the box to find a new Thomas the tank engine book and a jigsaw puzzle. It was a simple puzzle with about 5 parts. To my surprise, Kaleb put it together in about 15 seconds. We quickly learned we would have to raise the bar a bit. At the end of the day I explained to him that each week, when he came back the magic box would have toys in it for him.

On his next visit, he immediately raced to the magic box, this time to find to his delight, some building blocks and yet another Thomas the Tank Engine book for us to read. Between the various construction projects and book reading, the time went fast, and it was time for him to leave. After staying for "just five more minutes" a few times, we terminated the process and I began to return his blocks, which were scattered across the room, into the magic box.

Mimi (his mom) asked him to help pick up the blocks, where upon his response was negative. At that point I explained to him that the box would lose its magic if he failed to help return the toys. It worked. When the job was done, Kaleb looked at me with such a serious face and asked, "Will the box keep its magic now? What a great discovery! I am not sure he learned what magic really is, though. It takes a long time and much living to learn that when you take responsibility for your life, magic is all around you every day.

Adventures With Kaleb

I have never been proud of my talents as a father, and I doubt any of my kids will ever credit me for bringing enlightenment to their lives. By the time I had grand children, I lived in a different state and managed a few minutes a year with them. In the year 2000, Kaleb came along under such unusual circumstances that I found it impractical to behave like I would imagine a typical grandfather should. Then after he was about two and a half years old I discovered what an amazing gift grandchildren can be. It has been said that grand children are the rewards God gives to parents for not killing their own children. 

I realize that all grand parents think their grand children are geniuses and unique in the world. Well Kaleb is one of the cases where this happens to be true. A few experiences gave me the incentive to begin a chronicle of experiences with Kaleb. 

Kaleb as a young child is like a sponge, learning both what parents want him to learn as well as what they would rather he had not. At the age of two, he had the vocabulary of a normal four year old. At three he was using advanced communication concepts, metaphors, and words normally understood only by grownups that he picked up from people surrounding him. I could carry on a rather interesting conversation with him.  

GrammyFan-One of Kaleb’s grandmothers is Ruthann. When she introduced herself as Granny Ruthann, he automatically translated this into a one word name, GrammyFan, which he called her from that day on. He had learned to argue by the age of three and to use some of the techniques he had learned from grownups. When, Ruthann caught him in the candy bowl once too often before a meal, she told him he could not have more candy because it was not good for him and it would ruin his dinner. His response came with a stern voice,  

“GrammyFan, I don't like the way you are talking."

 He had become somewhat puzzled by the arrangement of grand parents, mother, father, which had them passing him around between various houses. He would ask Ruthann why she picked him up each week. She told him that someday he would be as big as she was and that he would have children of his own, and then he would understand better. His response was that that he would never be able to eat enough to become as big as she was. 

Kaleb is a huge fan of Thomas the train. He has known all of the characters, colors, and most of the stories since he was two years old. Oftentimes when I would visit him, I would bring a new book to read with him, and he soon identified me as the book source. He enjoys sitting my lap as I read to him. On one occasion he was asleep when I arrived to visit, and he slept almost until the time I had to leave. When he woke, he immediately ran over to see what book I had brought, and ask me to read it. After reading it, as often happened, he then asked me, enthusiastically, to read it again.  At that point I told him that I had to leave. He then apprised me that he did not like the book and could just take it with me. I understood his communication completely.

Kaleb discovers his shadow.-When Kaleb was about three, I took for a walk in the bird sanctuary near my office. At one point I lofted him onto my shoulders and we walked along the lakes watching the birds. At some point I realized that he had discovered a definite correlation between his movement and that of his shadow; he was fascinated that he could make the shadow move at will. He then asked me what the thing on the ground was. He seemed satisfied with my explanation and giving it a name.

Kaleb encounters a Mountain Lion.-At the age of four on some of my visits with him we walked in the nearby San Joaquin bird sanctuary near the Orange County Airport, one of my usual walking spots. He loved the ducks, rabbits, squirrels, butterflies, and throwing rocks into the lakes. He walked about half the time and rode on my shoulders when "My legs are too tired to walk anymore." After a few minutes on my shoulders he would, fortunately, spot something that would require him to get down and walk a while. 

On July 4, 2004 we were walking along Pond 5, Kaleb on my shoulder nearing a long wooden bridge that crosses one of the wet marshes. He had just told me he wanted down to run along the bridge.  

Suddenly, to my great surprise, a larger mountain lion crossed the path in front of us. "Oh, my God,” I said. "That was a mountain lion." Generally mountain lions don't like people and do not approach them. In nearly 30 years in California, I had not seen one before this day.

 At that moment, Kaleb quickly said, "Grand Dad", my legs are still too tired to walk."

Summer 2004

Kaleb's language antics are always a joy to experience. He loves to use "Grown up" words and concepts, and he gets them right with amazing regularity after hearing them used just once. GrammyFan took him to visit his dad at Starbucks. As always, Jon would pull something special from the pastry cabinet for him. He was four years old and sitting with a beautiful slice of chocolate cake. GrammyFan was eying this cake with envy. The cake was larger than a four year old should eat.  "Oh, how good just one bite would be!" she thought.

When she asked Kaleb, he quickly refused even just a single bite. She tried to explain to him how sharing was a nice thing to do. He looked at her pensively, and then responded. "Last night, you would not play cars with me, GrammyFan, so I should not share this cake with you now. And then he added, "Can you appreciate that?"

He commented that sometimes his mother, 'Mimi' got angry with him, when he didn't do what she wanted him to do. "That is very frustrating", he explained.

Comments like these coming from a 4 year old always turns heads.

Kaleb is a great fan of Thomas the Train. He has most of the engines, tracks, and people, and he knows them all. I usually take a book when I visit Kaleb, and when possible, I pick up a Thomas book, because I know that will get his attention. In England, where Thomas originated, new Thomas game books appear on the newsstand every "fortnight". In August, 2004, I appeared on a visit with Kaleb with book in hand. We went through each page with Kaleb working out the puzzles. On three pages, arithmetic was introduced by adding and subtracting engines, people, and objects. Kaleb was quite familiar with addition, but he had not been exposed to subtraction. He picked up the concept quickly and seemed fascinating with the concept of "minus".

Attached to the book was a game in which train pieces move around the board according to numbers on a spinner for each turn. At one point when my spin would have taken me past Kaleb's piece, he quickly objected, explaining that he must stay in front in order to win. The same thing happened again when GrammyFan's piece had earned a pass of Kaleb's piece. We couldn't help but laugh, not really knowing how to handle his requirement to win. He then loudly objected, stating, "THAT IS NOT FUNNY!" I made some attempt without success of explaining that while winning is good, everyone cannot always win. He was not able to grasp that concept, however, because, "He always wins."